-Brian Fox, SourcePoint Caregiver Program Coordinator
Oh no! I can already hear all of your groans at yet another caregiver article endorsing the self-care benefits of jour*aling — but here me out!
First off, I just want to say that journaling isn’t supposed to be Shakespeare. Do whatever you can to dispel the idea that journaling needs to be “high art” or even remotely intelligible for that matter. On the contrary, journaling should read like a grocery list! It should be petty and vapid and contain all the unwanted debris that would otherwise clog up our minds — giving you the mental bandwidth to accept new ideas or re-strategize around whatever obstacle is prescient at this moment.
Journaling can take the form of an abstract, stream-of-consciousness, barely-related collection of thoughts or it could be grounded, pragmatic, and focused on one particular issue. Today I’d like to offer one such journaling prompt that falls on the practical side — how to map out and practice a tough conversation you know is in your future.
Have you ever had a disagreement or full-blown argument where you thought of the perfect retort well after the outcome was decided? Apparently, this is a common and distinct enough phenomenon that the French language has its own idiom describing this potent emotional mixture of deep-seated regret and righteous indignation: l’esprit d’escalier (the spirit of the staircase). The story goes that during a dinner party, philosopher Denis Diderot was left speechless by a remark he explained that, “a sensitive man, such as myself, overwhelmed by the argument leveled against him, becomes confused and doesn’t come to himself again until at the bottom of the stairs.”
Be honest, how many of you are already playing out pretend arguments in front of the mirror or daydreaming about saying the right words in the right order to a fictionalized version of a wrongdoer of your choosing? Why not harness that energy for something productive, eh? So, get your pens ready for…
A Journaling Prompt for Tactfully Handling a Grievance
Before we dive into this exercise, it will be important to familiarize yourself with the differing forms of consequences. The term consequence may have a negative connotation for some and may even be associated with terms like “threat” or “punishment”. This unhelpful mentality stems from the incorrect belief that Assertive = Selfish.
Potential consequences, when clearly outlined, emphasize a person’s individual choices — minimizing your role in the equation. Framing actions through the lens of consequences offers individuals the choice to correct their behavior while also reinforcing the “you made your bed, now lie in it” mentality in a less harsh, more supportive format.
Take a moment with these definitions before moving on to the prompt itself. You may need to adjust accordingly based on the individual’s physical and cognitive capabilities:
Natural Consequence: a reaction that will occur in response to a person’s choice, regardless of outside interference. Examples:
∎ If someone touches the stove while it is on, they will get burned.
∎ If a person doesn’t take ownership of their prescribed medications (or seek assistance doing so), their condition will worsen/they will be in pain/they will have a more difficult time regulating their feelings.)
Logical Consequence: a reaction that will occur in response to a stipulation set by another person or entity. Logical consequences are different than “threats” because they do not seek to manipulate actions through fear — but rather, inform them through accountability. Logical consequences are effective because they relate to the action that prompts them in a cause-and-effect relationship. Examples:
∎“If I am interrupted during my relaxation time, I will not have the energy to take us out to dinner.”
∎“If you won’t take a driver safety test I will have to write a letter to the BMV or Grady Memorial Hospital’s D.R.I.V.E Program.”
Positive Consequence: a reaction that will occur either in response to a stipulation set by another or through an internal source of motivation. Examples:
∎ “Since you completed your physical therapy routine we can confidently and safely go on [insert outing of choice here].”
∎ “Your face really lit up when you finished that last art project! I’d love to attend an art class with you next time.”
In this next long-form prompt, we will practice an alternate method of communication that has shown to be beneficial in conveying our viewpoints clearly and unambiguously. This new framing can stop disagreements from turning into arguments or escalating further beyond. This is sometimes called the DESC model—which stands for Describe, Express, Specify, and Consequence. Using your own manner of speaking, answer each of the following questions to create an outline of how you might persuade someone to reevaluate their actions.
1. Describe
Put yourself in the role of a journalist. Remove any internal bias, emotion, evaluation, or opinion, and DESCRIBE either a person’s behavior or a specific problem that is weighing heavily on your mind. Avoid sentences that can feel blaming or excessive use of the word You. Focus instead on characteristics that have observably affected you personally and lead with as many “I messages” as possible.
Example: “I want to talk about something that’s been confusing for me. I understand that sometimes you feel like me and the rest of the family aren’t around as often. Sometimes I hear statements like that even while we are currently spending time with one another, and I’d like to know where that is coming from. I’d like to understand what a reasonable amount of time together would look like for our visits.”
2. Express
Now you may state your feelings. Do not cast blame on the person. Do not give your opinion about the behavior or problem. Do not try to guess at the person’s motive or rationale. Their reasons/emotions may be valid. So are yours. EXPRESS how these actions have affected you.
Example: “I get upset when it seems like we could easily be enjoying each other’s company. I’d like to know if there is some other issue I’m not seeing here.”
3. Specify
Next, still trying your best to avoid the word You, clearly SPECIFY what needs to be done by using the phrasing “I want/need/can help you ______…”
Example: “I do put time and effort into being a presence in your life because you are valued. But you are not my only value. I balance work/family/interests/etc. so I can find fulfillment of my own. I understand and appreciate that we are in different phases of our lives, but I think that you might also feel a little more connected if you got involved in a service club/community center/place of worship. I can help you get connected with a senior center or volunteer outlet to help fill your days with meaningful interactions. Of course, we’d still enjoy these occasional visits but this way you’d also have more activities to choose from. How’s that sound?”
4. Consequence
Finally, outline what a reaction, or CONSEQUENCE (as defined above) could look like if the person does or does not fulfill the conditions you laid out in the previous step.
Example: “I think this might be less about me and the family not making enough space for you and more about how few opportunities for fun/purpose that are available to you. I think if you built some connections outside of these walls you would feel less alone and less like we see you as an obligation. Otherwise, I’m not sure if spending as much time together is helpful for either of us.”
Once you have finished writing your responses, feel free to take it one step further and create what you imagine to be realistic responses to each of your statements from the person in conflict with you. This part is optional and should only be attempted if you believe it could lead to a stronger outcome when you have your real conversation addressing the grievance.
That’s it for today’s segment. I’ll be sure to deliver additional prompts in future articles, including other communication styles that do more to harness the emotional side of a conflict rather than remove it from the equation—but that’s a little trickier.
Please check out our updated list of Summertime Caregiver Programming such as a new support group with a focus on mental health concerns, The Alzheimer’s Association expanded educational suite: The Empowered Caregiver, or the twelve-week workshop: Aging Mastery for Caregivers!